Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Super Me's LiveJournal:

Monday, May 16th, 2005
1:03 am	FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING I can't get away from it. There's nothing I can do. I would be selfish. It's not even that selfish, she would miss me until the next time she saw Patrick, and then I'd be forgotten. It's no loss for her. I would never speak to her or see her again if it could just make this pain go away. But it couldn't. It only ever gets worse. It gets worse every time I speak to her, it gets worse every time a day goes by that I don't. I can't fucking take it anymore. Why isn't there anything I can do to be okay? Why did it have to be like this in first place? I hate it. I hate everything. I hate this life. I fucking hate her. And I love her more than anything. I can't handle this. It's just too much. I don't understand how something hasn't given yet. Something has to give eventually. Please somebody fucking make it go away. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 13th, 2005
3:36 am	It gets more difficult every day. It was always a problem that I needed her so badly. But the thing is, the more I learn about myself, the more I grow, and the stronger I get, the weaker I end up. This is no longer me having dependency issues, this is me becoming more confident and self-assured. Which leaves me worse off, because what I feel does not change, it just becomes more certain. I don't need to question myself. I know what I want. I know how my life is supposed to be. And I know it's her. I'm stronger and more confident than ever. I know I'm right, and nobody can question me on that. We are with absolute certainty supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. But I also know that things do not necessarily turn out like they should. Just because us being together is the only right answer doesn't mean it will end up that way. And that knowledge is completely debilitating. I can never show her how strong I'm becoming because this confidence cripples me. Current Mood: I'm Not Okay Current Music: (I Promise) (Comment on this)
Friday, May 6th, 2005
9:19 am	Except... No. Not everything makes sense. I don't understand everything. I understand that my happiness has to be taken from me. That it couldn't persist. That I have to be miserable. But one thing eludes my understanding... Why? Why is that the way it has to be? I'm not taking the blame anymore. I was not wrong. I did not lose my happiness. It was stolen from me. It was stolen and it's not fair. I am a victim. Whatever higher power there may be, be it god, fate, karma or dumb luck, I have been wronged by it. I do not deserve this. I do not deserve this. I do not fucking deserve this. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
3:15 am	What the fuck was I thinking. It started innocently enough, I was actually trying to retrieve information from an old e-mail, but then I got into a kick of reading old e-mails... Yeah... Fucking unbearable, yet I continued to subject myself to it. Date: Nov 20, 2003 subject: FYI You have a girlfriend that loves you. <3 Fucking Christ. Exactly 1 year and 1 week later... And such an amazing 1 year and 1 week... And everything makes so much fucking sense now. I understand everything. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
6:38 pm	Entropy I was doing so poorly for so long because us being apart just made so little sense. It ruined my ability to be comfortable with anything, because how can you rely on anything, how can there be any truth or certainty in this world if something as simple and absolute as 'she and I are together' can be false. Then I was fine for a little while because I realized that it simply couldn't be maintained. There is a certain degree of order to this world, and things may come to a state of disarray at times, but everything will eventually be restored to its natural order. So it's just a matter of time. But then I just remembered that that's bullshit. The natural order of things is self-destruction. It's written as law. It's not very comforting, but at least everything makes sense to me now. Current Mood: think I need a new LJ name Current Music: is Eyewtkas taken yet? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
2:59 pm	Well, Kathy's back with Kevin now, which is obviously for the best for all involved (well except me, but sacrifices have to be made for the good of the team). Even though all is as it should be I am profoundly unhappy... Guess I'm just selfish, so I think I'll indulge in that here. Things were going well (for me) and I was feeling pretty good. Though I was still a good bit on the apathetic side of everything, I was progressing... I had a plan and stuff... I was gonna go to Gainesville, get out of this house and start being a real person... I had some semblance of a goal... ...I don't want to leave my room... She made it hurt too. Ironic actually, I think I know now how she felt... my raging apathy always bothered her, but as I lay there feeling every form of misery I know, her nonchalance was killing me. I like to believe she was putting up a facade... that underneath it all she was as upset as I... Actually, come to think of it I was putting up a bit of a front too, I felt much worse than curled up in a ball on her bed listening to Velvet Teen with a blank face and responding to everything she said with a monosyllabic moan implies. When she left for school in the morning, she asked me not to leave, as she still needed to talk to me... So I laid in her bed and waited till she got home around 6... I asked if she still needed to talk to me, as opposed to just giving me sass for 'being all emo', she said what she had to say was unimportant. That it was just stupid bullshit, just like it always had been. That last part kinda stung, it was time to go before I made a scene... I had thus far managed not to break down, but I couldn't hold out much longer under the circumstances... She thought I despised her, that I hated her... I don't know if she really believed something so ridiculous or if she's just trying to convince herself that as it makes it much easier... If it's the latter I can't really hold that against her, but it makes it much harder on me... I was a tad angry that she was so cruel about the whole thing, but as usual any hate and a very vast majority of the anger was directed at myself. My copy of + - = was in my hand... it got broke... Reconciliation will be very difficult, if at all possible... Our parting was ugly enough to quite possibly affect the friendship, which sucks hard... The funny thing is that I want her back very badly and will continue to... I can't bring myself to make outright attempts to get her back... It's unfair to them and would only end in disappointment for me, so I'm just going to return to silent longing... ... ...hehe... And here I sit, desiring someone I can't be with, Velvet Teen playing, and self-deprecating thoughts in full swing... All welcome the return of 0ld-sk00l Keith... Current Mood: 0ld-sk00l Current Music: duh (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 7th, 2001
8:30 am	Jennifer Heh. I'm a liar. Here I am posting again. The song is Naked Girl this time... The endless rats are, as always, her. Kill, crush me break my will. I have no idea what it is about her. It doesn't make sense at all. I mean why her. I don't understand it, but it's out of my control, otherwise I would have long since moved on. I just have to accept it I suppose. Over the years she's inflicted a lot of pain unto me... No she didn't do anything. I inflicted this pain on me, or rather my mind did. My mind, consumed with her, making every precious moment in her presence pure torture in spite of the blessing that it is. I want to be happy just being with her, but I can't knowing that I'm not really 'with' her. This mind knowing the hurt that it gives me when she's around, trys to save me from itself by avoiding her. It bothers her that I 'Don't hang out with her anymore'. It bothers me too. It's not fair to keep myself from her, she's a dear friend and being with her makes me outwardly and temporarily happy... but it wounds deeper than it heals. So I do, I avoid her, at least physically, as much as I can. Of course every now and then the masochist in me does want to spend some time with her, and when I do, a good time is had by all. But always in the back of my mind...... Then when we part for the day... I go back to being alone enveloping myself in the thought of her. Tearing myself apart, always the same way, always repetitive and rhythmic a kind of self-destructive masturbation of sadness and self-pity. I think about my relationship with her, what there is of it, what I want from it, what will never become of it. I stroke myself vigorously with these wretched thoughts. This self-indulgence of suffering. These beautiful, sorrowful thoughts and feelings echoed and amplified by Judahs beautiful, sorrowful lyrics and music. Yeah, that's the other constant. Judahs music. I've never heard anything before that I connected with so perfectly. It helps me more than anything else by virtue of making me feel understood, not really alone. Like someone else feels exactly like I do. Anyway, I know it's going to happen, but I try to keep it from happening until she's away, But sometimes I start early. We'll be together, and I'll just get very distant, lost in myself... And it shows. She notices, and asks me what's wrong... She knows, she knows what's wrong, she knows how I feel, she knows how I've always felt, she has to, I'm terrible at keeping things from people, it must be so obvious to her, hell, Henry has even told me that she knows, she knows, why does she pretend she doesn't... Oh well, maybe she's just assuming it's not about her, she thinks something else is wrong. Nope. 'Fraid not. But I can't tell her, I can't tell her what's wrong. This, however would be an ideal time to tell her flat out how I really feel about her. She knows, but perhaps not the full extent of it. Maybe she just thinks I'm mildly infatuated with her. I could tell her. I could tell her what I'm telling this keyboard. But no, I can't do that either. Why? Because I'm afraid. Of what? I don't know. But I have myself convinced that nothing good can come of telling her how I feel. Sigh Just to hold her, just to have her in my arms. To fall asleep, to wake up with her. To be sitting around doing the same nothing I'm always doing, but to be able to reach out to her. To touch her. To hug her. To kiss her. To love her. To be 'with' her. But even if it all fell into place, we ended up together... She's too much for me. I wouldn't be able to make her happy. I don't know how, I don't know her. She needs a lot more than I have to offer. It could never work out between us. I'd be happy with life, because I'd have her... But she'd want more, she'd need more... More understanding. More knowing. More than I can give her. I know this. I know it could never work. I know it could never be. So why can't I stop wanting it, wishing for it. I have to let go. I have to get over her. But I can't. I'm stuck with her, in my mind. I don't know for how long, but it's in the middle of its fourth year. Perhaps someday, I will get over her. But I don't see how that can happen. Even if we went our separate ways in life, lost contact, and never heard or saw from each other again, I'd never forget her. She's too special to forget... So she'll always be somewhere in my mind and heart, so what could make these feelings deteriorate into less than what they are and always have been? So, will I never get over her? Will she always be painfully lodged in my every want, hope, desire? Everywhere I go from here, will these incessant thoughts and feelings always be with me? Well, I don't like looking to the future, and that's where this seems to be going now, so I'll stop. It's 8:00 in the morning anyway, I should try to get some sleep. Don't let me go, don't ever leave me. ...And that's when the sky cries for him, The lightning strikes him down, With open arms, Like an old friend... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 28th, 2001
11:13 pm	He tries not to think too much... Yeah. I did it. This is my Live Journal. But I'm only posting in it just this once. Oh, and I do have 'Super Me' on loop right now in case your wondering. I've been trying to cry myself to sleep for some time now but it's been all crying on no sleeping. Haven't slept in a while, really need to... Anyways. Yeah. I'm just doing this because I have my whine to end all whines and I think this is the most suitable place to put it. Hmm, where to begin... Ah yes. My Happy Pills. This just occurred to me. My Happy Pills, are in fact Happy Pills... but they're more than that. They are a big beautiful pair of rose colored glasses. A nice Happy bottled artificiality that I choke down every night to keep me blindly Happy... to make me forget that I can't stand being me, that I can't stand just walking around in this worthless existence pretending that it's worth existing, some of you guys have seen me when I get like this... well, you've seen a shadow how I am when I get like this, none of you have seen the full extent of it... but this is the real me. The Happy bubbly Keith that you all know and love is a drug-induced delusion of fake contentment. Onward. The Future. I might graduate from high school on time. Maybe. But it will take some effort. This of course is due to me being lazy and unmotivated. I've single-handedly condemned myself to a life of failure it seems. But if I start now I may just walk with the rest of the class of 2001. Now, where to go from there. I'm within months of hopefully graduating, and I have no plans and have made no preparations. I want to make video games for a living. I want to a be video game designer... but alas, I can't. I just can't. I cannot create what one must create to make a video game. I wish I could make my own little reality, my own little world to crawl into. But I can't, so someone else does it, they can, they make video games. Since I can't, I crawl into the little worlds they made for me. But of course I would just end up being an art guy anyway. But again a problem. I can't create art either. I have no artistic talent. 2D, 3D, throwing buckets of paint at a canvas. It doesn't matter. I can't do that either. But, but, if I were to go to DigiPen, everything would be well and right in the world. But gosh darn it keeps coming back to me not being good enough. I'm not sure but I think my chances of getting into DigiPen are very close to my chances of growing wings. I would prefer the latter anyway. Next Topic. Love Life. We all know what this one's about, so I'll keep it fairly brief. Yeah... Sigh... It's been a good 3 1/2 years. At least for a while I thought I had moved on, but that was just because she was a million miles away. I didn't have to hear her voice or see her face. But even still, she was always in the back of my mind. Even still, I thought of her. It really sucks though. My entire high school life I in a way wasted. I could have been out meeting new and interesting girls. Doing the whole dating thing. Perhaps even 'playing the field' if you will. Instead I devoted myself to a relationship that will never ever exist... Ah well, that's all I have. I'm done, I'm spent, I think I ran out of tears a half hour ago... And that's when the sky cries for him, The lightning strikes him down, With open arms, Like an old friend... (4 Comments |Comment on this)